between tears and work

being a parent is hard work. i admit, it's the hardest thing i have ever done. but, being a parent and a graduate student...well, that's an emotional roller coaster.

i tend to blog when i am upset or feel the need to vent. well, i am upset and need to vent. we've had an interesting and irregular month or so. my brother got married, relatives from taiwan came to visit, and siri got about three weeks away from her nanny. her transition back to our usual routine has not been easy. she cries when i take her to her nanny's. daily. it's so difficult for me to drop her off in the mornings, especially since her eyes pool with tears as soon as we arrive at her nanny's house. i've been spending 15-20 minutes at her nanny's each morning (one day, 30) again to get acclimated. things were going pretty well this morning. she didn't cry. we sat and played with a puzzle. anna (her nanny) and i had a conversation about paying for college. these were all good signs, so i said to siri that i had to work and will pick her up this afternoon. that did it, and the puzzle was no longer interesting. i walked to the door, and she threw down the puzzle piece in her hand and ran towards me, yelling, "mama, mama!" it was heart-wrenching. i shut the door, sighed and made my way to the car.

i drove home upset, thinking about how i am torturing my child by leaving her four days a week. she just wants her mama to play with her, to cuddle, to hang out with her. i think it'll be easier and more justifiable once i have a *real* job outside the home, contributing something tangible (i.e.$$) rather than ideas and words on paper. a dissertating graduate student does not constitute a real job. but, here's the rub: if i don't work on my dissertation, i will not finish my degree. if i don't finish my degree i will not get a job as a professor. if i don't get a job as a professor, i will have wasted the past seven years of my life. well, it sucks to waste any portion of one's life. and, i will not settle for taking a long leave and then returning to school once siri's in school. i already feel disengaged since i'm not in residence. it sometimes takes me a couple of minutes to think and speak "academically." i don't think time off is a good solution for me or my aspirations.

so, i fret. i worry that i'm not good enough at parenting compared to the stay-at-home moms. i worry that my child will be forever scarred because i leave her at a nanny's house 32 hours a week. then, i remember numerous studies that document that the *quality* time spent with kids between stay-at-home moms and working moms is negligible. i remember that while i'm chasing around siri and playing with her at the playground, stay-at-home moms sit on the benches, looking bored and focused on their own conversations with other moms, or reading books. i remember that i make a concerted effort to memorize all the songs in siri's music class while the other moms simply sway to the music. i remember that i am providing an example for siri -- one that i hope she will emulate in the future. i think of these all these positive things, and i still feel like i could be doing more for my child. i feel guilty. i get sad. i miss my child. she seems so unhappy.

when i went to pick her up this afternoon, she was all smiles. she played little games with anna, said "bye bye" to the other kids, and waved good-bye to anna's husband and daughter. i was so relieved to see her happy. anna informed me that she wailed for about two minutes, and as soon as i drove away she stopped crying, and went back to the puzzle. what kind of twisted game is this? it's difficult to focus on work when i worry about my child's happiness. i think about her all day; parenting does not end when i drop her off each morning. maybe she wont' cry tomorrow morning, but that's just wishful thinking. like i said, it's been an emotional roller coaster ride. and, i expect this ride will not end anytime soon.