mommy's belly "butt..."

siri really likes to show off her belly button when we ask her to do so. she also likes to find mommy and daddy's belly buttons, which she calls "butt."

walkin' and a talkin'

video of siri walking and talking a bit. her current two favorite words are "uh oh" and "cheese"

xmas countdown

we're getting ready and areanxious for xmas in oregon. siri has already cultivated a love of holiday decorations; we can't wait to get her into a house with an actual tree. we were going to get a tree this year, but, well, there were some complications. by the time we were going to get it, it seemed pointless since we're going to be in oregon so soon. nevertheless, siri has an advent calendar and we took her up our street to check out tom and jerry's crazily decorated house (tom and jerry are the two who live there). pictures of siri include putting the appropriate ball into one of the holes on her toy dragon (i'd been trying to get her to do it since she was about 8-months-old), and just goofing around.

our next update will be from oregon, so stay tuned...

The weekend

I'm not sure where we left off with Siri's vocabulary development, but as of yesterday, we are adding a new one: "uh oh oh." Instead of "uh oh" she decided to add another "oh" and says it any time she chooses. It seems she does not quite fully understand the meaning of "uh oh." Siri's use of the word "more" or "mo" makes feeding her a bit easier. She just points to what she wants (food or drink) and says "mo".

Here are some pics from the past couple of days. Siri copies me by wearing my purse 'cause she thinks she's going out; hanging out with mommy on the couch; playing in the cubby and having fun at the Bay Area Discovery Museum (to which we have a membership and Siri absolutely loves).

staking a claim to the cubby

here's siri on thursday when she decided to squat the cubby as part of her manifest destiny (of play space expansion).

siri's special place

there's a random little cubby in our living room that looks like it used to have a door and was a cupobard of some kind. we'd been stashing our dvd player and stereo there since we moved in, but on thursday, siri decided that she wanted to sit in that cubby. so, we cleared it out for her this morning, and she's a bit possessive of it as you can see from this video where she's making daddy leave her special place.

belated 12-month checkup + bonus pics

siri finally had her 12 month check up today (yes a bit late, but there were some issues we had to work out). siri has definitely slowed down in her growth, but the doctor says she is still "big." actually, he said "whoa, you're big" to siri when he was weighing her.

stats

weight: 25 lbs and 15.5 oz (92nd percentile)

height: 31.5 inches (92nd percentile)

head circumference: 46 cm (60th percentile)

and, today is civil war, which means we're (well, minus jeff and evie) decked out in beaver gear -- a couple of pictures from this morning.

mothering.

i hate going to the store on a weekday, especially the whole foods in noe valley. i pull up in my car with a car seat, but no child in it. i own an ergo, but am not shopping with my baby strapped to me. i too, once had a bulging belly that fed and grew a new life. i see pregnant women and mothers with their children and i feel guilty and torn. i sometimes want to make an announcement upon entering the store: "i have a child too! her name is siriana and she is 13-months-old. she's the best thing to have happened to me, but she's just not with me at the moment. i'm really one of you!" but, i'm not. i have chosen to not let motherhood be my only identity, and because of that i carry this tremendous burden of guilt.

but, this guilt is really not only self-imposed. i read an article yesterday on breastfeeding and the cultural phenomenon of "intensive mothering." just like the cultural phenomenon of formula feeding and hospital births about three decades ago, intensive mothering seems to be a new fad. it's a fad that really, when it comes down to it, is rather sexist. mom is expected to do most of everything that sustains the little life because she has breasts. furthermore, this fad is rather heterosexist and discriminative toward adoptive parents (gay daddies can't breastfeed, and some adoptive mommies can't lactate. does that make them bad parents?). let's be honest. breastfeeding is no easy task. i had a very difficult time with it in the beginning, but like most mothers who breastfeed (according to the article), my ses propelled me forward. it makes sense that mostly middle and upper-middle class mothers breastfeed. we have the time to do it, and may be given the comforts of (a) not needing to work because of our partners' income, (b) actually given maternity leave in our chosen professions, and/or (c) having a private place at work to pump. most people in our society do not have these options. this article reinforced systematic inequalities that literally begin at the breast. moreover, since most mothers who breastfeed are college educated, they are also, as the article stated, more "goal-driven." i had a goal and that was to breastfeed my child. i was going to accomplish that goal, because well, that's what i do. i set goals and do my best to meet them. i once was a mother who judged moms that did not breastfeed. for that, i apologize.

dropping off siri at her nanny's each day is one of the hardest things i have to do. the entire drive there, i remind her that both jeff and i love her very much, but we have our own work to do. and, if she chooses to be a mother in the future, she should also pursue a career although it is difficult to be separated from one's child. i spend 10-15 minutes with siri every morning when i bring her to her nanny's. i sit and watch her interact with the other kids, and she always excitedly shows off "her" toys that just happen to be kept away from home. inevitably, as soon as i say to the nanny, "i have to go," siri starts crying. each time she cries, i feel extremely guilty. most of the time i also tear up. but, as soon as i sit in my car and start driving home, i begin to feel anxious to work on "my stuff."

since i'm at the dissertating stage right now, "my stuff" includes not only field work and data collection, but also working on papers for publication, working on grant proposals, catching up on the latest and most cutting edge research, etc. "my stuff" also includes pumping, setting up doctor's appointments, cooking and light cleaning before jeff and siri come home in the evening.

so, why do i feel guilty for leaving my child for a brief eight hours a day, four days a week, when i spend the rest of my time with her? i blame intensive mothering and the people who vehemently ascribe to that framework. they have no idea that aside from the eight hours that i spend apart from my baby each day, i cuddle with her at night in our family bed, and wake up with her each time she whines. they have no idea that being apart from her actually makes me a better parent, and a more well-rounded person in general. they have no idea that being apart from siri means that i want to spend every single waking moment with her when we are not apart. so, why must i feel guilty and fall prey to their expectations?

i started revising a paper for publication in march. i have not had time to work on it since then for a variety of reasons, and much of that was because of my ascription to the upper-middle class notion of intensive mothering. i revisited that paper yesterday and began working on it. i felt so alive and excited to WRITE. i just want some time to write and do "my stuff" a couple of hours each day. but, i doubt the feelings of guilt will subside. i will still be sad tomorrow when i drop off siri. but, maybe i might refrain from tearing up for once.