mommy brain

when i was pregnant with siri, i read numerous articles that purport the female brain shrinks (only slightly) during pregnancy. why, you ask? well, so that nurturing instincts will take over. this all makes sense, but i tried to keep my mind active. and, as much as i tried, i failed. i remember being unable to censor myself when talking with a friend, and feeling afterwards like a complete jerk. i easily forgot things as the third trimester approached, and then my memory kind of went out the window the initial months after delivering siri. of course, this isn't just brain shrinkage, but also stress, lack of sleep and all the overwhelmingness that comes with being a new mom.

i defended my dissertation proposal when siri was two-months-old, and i distinctly remember a comment made by one of my committee members. all five of them congratulated me, mind you, it's proper etiquette. but, one committee member, a mother of two children commented that she feels like she has permanent brain damage from having her children. i tucked away that comment. didn't want to hear it, and moved along, as best as i could even while i struggled to remember a minor detail from an article, or to paraphrase a professor's lecture.

i surrender that the sheer fact of being a mom has impacted me significantly. but, i also know that we can give our brains "work outs," so to speak. i started making myself pay more attention to reading that seems dense, and to carefully work out the complexities, which usually results in a "brain ache." i revise writing to make sure that my sentence-structuring isn't sloppy. i make sure i use my brain as best as i could. my year in isolation did no good for my brain. i wasn't engaging in conversation -- intelligent, interesting, complex. i have made some changes over the past six-months that i think may have been very helpful. i have virtual meetings/conversations with colleagues/friends, i read friends' works and comment, i tutor, i engage in conversations, and i am actually writing dissertation chapter drafts!

and, i think this brain "work out" is paying off, slowly, but surely. today, i quickly recalled two identification numbers assigned to me years ago, without checking where i had jotted them. that to me is an indication that my brain is on the mend. today, i celebrate slowly overcoming mommy brain. tomorrow, i will start giving my brain better workouts by physically exercising. next week, getting more sleep. okay, a bit too ambitious. the physical workout can start next week, and sleep? well, check back with me on that one.