white powder, black death

i felt the sudden urge to talk about this, but since i'm confined at home with no colleagues around, i decided to blog instead. yesterday, two uci professors received envelopes with white powder and a message that said "black death." i got the text notice (known as zotalert for us anteaters), and didn't think much of it until this morning when i discovered that one of the professors targeted is a professor from my department -- a professor who had advised me on my second year paper, and has helped me in various ways over the past couple of years. the other professor is in the school of engineering.

this incident, shootings on college campuses, some dude in army gear walking around uci campus last year carrying a supposed rifle, and rumors of disgruntled graduate students who threaten hard-ass advisers shatter the image that the ivory tower is protected, from, well for lack of a better description: the real world.

i was a ta for an introduction to sociology class last spring and had a very bright young man in one of my sections. he was obviously too cool (or smart) for school, but his essays and contributions in class were always right on. he had/has so much potential. i overlooked a few tardy assignments and even offered him the opportunity to do turn in a very late assignment. he ignored these acts of kindness (well, i thought they were kind, but he probably thought he was bucking the system by refusing to play by the game). while i was irritated that he wasn't a bit more conscientious, i believed he would do great things in the future.

the final week of the quarter came and this student turned in his last writing assignment ON TIME. i was absolutely astonished to receive anything from him on the due date and looked forward to his brilliance expressed on paper. when i finally sat down with my stack of papers to grade, i pulled out his first and did not know what to make of it. the paper started out coherent with elegantly-constructed thoughts and opinions, but within a few sentences it became gibberish, worse than any stream of conscientiousness could produce. he was obviously angry, but also not in a stable frame of mind. i finished reading the paper, set it aside and decided to talk to the professor about it.

a couple of days later, 400 students pooled into a large lecture hall ready to take their final exam. i took note that my special student was not there. with 20 minutes left of the exam, this student showed up completely unkempt and wearing clothes that looked like it hadn't been laundered in weeks. his hair was a mess; his eyes were red, but half-open and his pupils were dilated. he walked up to the podium, almost tripping several times and couldn't even remain standing without wavering. i looked at him in shock and felt scared and frightened. i wasn't afraid of him, i was afraid of what he was doing to his life -- a life where he could use his brilliance to influence others.

he asked me whether he could still take the exam and i told him he had 20 minutes. he took the exam from my hand and fled to the nearest open seat and began poring through it. at that moment it seemed that no other student existed as i gave him my undivided attention. i watched him from the podium, and i pulled out the final essay he turned in the week before. something was not right.

given personal experiences these past few years, i knew what was wrong, but i didn't want to believe it. he has so much potential! i glanced at the professor and we made eye contact. he could see i was upset and motioned for me to join him on the other side of the room. i complied and brought along the student's essay. i shared with the professor my worries and showed him the essay. the professor asked what i wanted to do since the student was mine. i was stunned. i had no idea how to proceed. i wanted to help, but knew i couldn't. he has to want help. the professor told me to think about what i wanted to do and let him know in the next day or so.

i confided in a couple select colleagues and in jeff. i finally decided that the student's change in behavior and his disturbing final essay had to be reported to undergraduate studies. so, i emailed the professor who promised to not indicate me when he reported the student. i apprehensively waited for the student to come to my office demanding an explanation. conjured images of the gunman at virginia tech, disgruntled grad students, and the rifle carrying student entered my mind. but, he never came to my office. he never emailed me. i do not know whether he ever asked for help.

i am not sure why i wanted to blog about this student, but today's news from uci triggered this memory. i wonder what happened to this brilliant, introverted student. i wonder if he ever sought help. i wonder if he is, right now, sitting on the floor of a classroom with his nose in a novel, but raising his hand to answer questions with vigor and conviction. i wonder but i don't think i'll ever know.