it's been a month since i last posted, and that was done from halfway around the globe. today's my last day in taiwan after a nine day stint. i have to confess that traveling with a child is extremely exhausting and frustrating. my memories of taiwan are filled with eating, night market going, boba drinking, street food eating and lots and lots of t.v. this trip has been different. not only am i exhausted as this trip is sandwiched between moving away from sf and moving to ny, i am also single parenting a three-year-old who took several days to overcome jet lag, and as the only great grandchild, is lavished with all sorts of attention. attention from not only her own birth great grandmother, but also those related by blood whose positions have been elevated given her presence. i know these antiquated formalities may seem silly (i.e. a person one year younger than me is considered my uncle based on our generational differences), but it's the way things are done in my family. it works. it is also extremely aggravating.
so, how do i feel about this trip? for the first time, i feel like a pseudo adult. this is saying a lot considering i have always felt like a child, and treated as such given my generational difference from my second cousins who are my age, but one generation ahead. but, many of us have children of our own now and in some respects, i feel that we are finally at the same level...albeit, their children are my "brother and sisters" and my daughter's "aunties and uncle," but at least there seems to be a level of camaraderie or familiarity.
this trip is also extremely frustrating. on the one hand, i want to recapture the taiwan in my memory and relive it. i want to go to night markets, eat street food, watch a ton of television. but, i am a mother now, and an overprotective, neurotic one at that. so, i limit my street food consumption, deprive myself of taiwanese dramadies (which i absolutely love and can become easily obsessed with), haven't shopped for myself, etc. etc. i have certain responsibilities i cannot shed. do i want to relive the taiwan i once knew? i think so. i'm not sure. i feel that subsequent trips to taiwan are to acquaint and familiarize my child with her chinese ancestry. it's not about me anymore. i view this and future trips akin to visiting disneyland with a child. we no longer wait in long lines to ride splash or space mountain, and instead do the things that our child would find entertaining (e.g. wait in line to meet princesses). while that's not entirely comparable with taiwan, i use our limited outings here as educational moments. "hey siri, look at that house with the old green roof! isn't that cool? what do you think?" i want her to see, understand and appreciate these differences, and in turn respect and know this part of her ancestry. who knows, the next time we come back, the house with the old green roof may be demolished, and in its place a new apartment complex.
i don't know if she is absorbing anything other than that the weather can be rather unbearable. i do know that she now understands she has a very large and rather close knit extended family in taiwan. her circle has expanded beyond her grandparents, cousins and aunts and uncles with whom we have regular contact in the u.s. she now knows she has many aunties, uncles, great uncles and aunties, great great uncles and aunties, etc. etc. on the other side of the world from our daily realities. although we may be separated by the pacific, we are still familiar with one another, get along well, and are family. i'm not quite ready to unleash night markets or street foods on her yet. perhaps next time when i have her other parent with me. then, i can indulge all i want and not worry about getting sick because someone else will shoulder the parental duties if i do. she can indulge too. this time, i've done okay fulfilling my needs. besides, i can always stream taiwanese dramadies :)
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