mothering.

i hate going to the store on a weekday, especially the whole foods in noe valley. i pull up in my car with a car seat, but no child in it. i own an ergo, but am not shopping with my baby strapped to me. i too, once had a bulging belly that fed and grew a new life. i see pregnant women and mothers with their children and i feel guilty and torn. i sometimes want to make an announcement upon entering the store: "i have a child too! her name is siriana and she is 13-months-old. she's the best thing to have happened to me, but she's just not with me at the moment. i'm really one of you!" but, i'm not. i have chosen to not let motherhood be my only identity, and because of that i carry this tremendous burden of guilt.

but, this guilt is really not only self-imposed. i read an article yesterday on breastfeeding and the cultural phenomenon of "intensive mothering." just like the cultural phenomenon of formula feeding and hospital births about three decades ago, intensive mothering seems to be a new fad. it's a fad that really, when it comes down to it, is rather sexist. mom is expected to do most of everything that sustains the little life because she has breasts. furthermore, this fad is rather heterosexist and discriminative toward adoptive parents (gay daddies can't breastfeed, and some adoptive mommies can't lactate. does that make them bad parents?). let's be honest. breastfeeding is no easy task. i had a very difficult time with it in the beginning, but like most mothers who breastfeed (according to the article), my ses propelled me forward. it makes sense that mostly middle and upper-middle class mothers breastfeed. we have the time to do it, and may be given the comforts of (a) not needing to work because of our partners' income, (b) actually given maternity leave in our chosen professions, and/or (c) having a private place at work to pump. most people in our society do not have these options. this article reinforced systematic inequalities that literally begin at the breast. moreover, since most mothers who breastfeed are college educated, they are also, as the article stated, more "goal-driven." i had a goal and that was to breastfeed my child. i was going to accomplish that goal, because well, that's what i do. i set goals and do my best to meet them. i once was a mother who judged moms that did not breastfeed. for that, i apologize.

dropping off siri at her nanny's each day is one of the hardest things i have to do. the entire drive there, i remind her that both jeff and i love her very much, but we have our own work to do. and, if she chooses to be a mother in the future, she should also pursue a career although it is difficult to be separated from one's child. i spend 10-15 minutes with siri every morning when i bring her to her nanny's. i sit and watch her interact with the other kids, and she always excitedly shows off "her" toys that just happen to be kept away from home. inevitably, as soon as i say to the nanny, "i have to go," siri starts crying. each time she cries, i feel extremely guilty. most of the time i also tear up. but, as soon as i sit in my car and start driving home, i begin to feel anxious to work on "my stuff."

since i'm at the dissertating stage right now, "my stuff" includes not only field work and data collection, but also working on papers for publication, working on grant proposals, catching up on the latest and most cutting edge research, etc. "my stuff" also includes pumping, setting up doctor's appointments, cooking and light cleaning before jeff and siri come home in the evening.

so, why do i feel guilty for leaving my child for a brief eight hours a day, four days a week, when i spend the rest of my time with her? i blame intensive mothering and the people who vehemently ascribe to that framework. they have no idea that aside from the eight hours that i spend apart from my baby each day, i cuddle with her at night in our family bed, and wake up with her each time she whines. they have no idea that being apart from her actually makes me a better parent, and a more well-rounded person in general. they have no idea that being apart from siri means that i want to spend every single waking moment with her when we are not apart. so, why must i feel guilty and fall prey to their expectations?

i started revising a paper for publication in march. i have not had time to work on it since then for a variety of reasons, and much of that was because of my ascription to the upper-middle class notion of intensive mothering. i revisited that paper yesterday and began working on it. i felt so alive and excited to WRITE. i just want some time to write and do "my stuff" a couple of hours each day. but, i doubt the feelings of guilt will subside. i will still be sad tomorrow when i drop off siri. but, maybe i might refrain from tearing up for once.